Autumn

Have you ever driven down a long straight road when there are absolutely no other cars around, and all you can see in the straight path ahead of you, are the beautiful trees with their leaves all red and yellow and orange? It seriously makes my heart beat faster seeing things like this. I walked, alone, for a long time. Watching the season change right before my eyes.

There isn't much time until winter comes around. I can't wait to see the first snow, I can't wait to see everything covered in white, and I can't wait for the first green sprouts to renew the world again. That means time is passing, and that means that I will be healing. More completely, more carefully. Time is supposed to heal things right?

I am not a big caffeine drinker. It makes me jittery, and it makes my brain run too fast, and it makes me feel like I am not controlling myself. But lately, I cannot start my day without a cup of coffee.

I have random thoughts shooting out from all corners of my mind at the moment. There are so many things I want to do and say, but the timing is not right for any of those things.

I feel better than last week. I don't need to be shot in the face. I don't need to sit alone in a corner anymore. One of my new found friends told me recently that in the short time he has gotten to know me, he can tell that I am someone who needs a lot of love. That I am lonely all the time, regardless of the people around me, and regardless of how close I am with them. I find this hard to believe... I feel like I am a lot more independent than I used to be, and I feel like I need a lot more space from people than I used to need. Who knows...

Confused.

Witch

Halloween is over! Hurray!! No more costumes, no more scary people in masks walking around. I even attended a Halloween party this year without crying! :) I went as a semi-slutty wizard, aka faux Harry Potter.
It's over, but I feel like a witch. My feelings are all over the place, my moods are going up and down like a roller coaster, I don't know what to make of my emotional and mental status right now. I like something one second and the next second, can't stand to be around it. I feel completely whole and then turn around and feel completely broken.. maybe it's the weather? Maybe it's just because I am so damaged inside that I don't know how to normally function anymore.. Maybe it's just because, like people have told me, I feel like I need to make people feel the way I feel so that I know I'm not alone in the world. Who knows? I can't explain why I am the way I am right now, and I wish people would stop asking me what's wrong. I really don't know what to tell you.
My closest friends understand that I can't really come up with any real ideas or reasons for the way I act or feel. I appreciate that they give me time to sort out my thoughts and to figure out what it is I really want/need. I wish all things in life were as easy as just being near your friends.
Maybe I took on too much this year. What with teaching youth group, being in charge of the youth group band and choir groups, working full-time, and now dating someone, I feel like my brain is all messed up and I have so much to do ALL THE TIME without ever knowing where to start. So... I'm distancing myself, it's true. If I step away from the things going on in my life, I'll have a better perspective of what my priorities should be, and how I should go about handling the mental semi-crisis I am in. I haven't had any time to READ... and that's not okay. I haven't had time to just sit down and be ALONE... that's not okay either. I want to be able to just sit in my room, alone, with some soothing music and not talk or listen to anyone for a couple weeks. Maybe more. Who knows? I also started working out again, which is the ONLY thing right now that takes my mind completely off of the things waiting for me to complete and whatnot. Ugh. These are the times when I wish someone would just please SHOOT ME IN THE FACE. Let me be me. Don't ask questions, don't tell me I'm wrong. Just let me be the way I am, and I would be very thankful :)

NLCS

The Phillies just beat the Reds in a shutout series! ^_^ Not too sorry Cincinnati~ we're just better!

Work hard

The first week of Sunday School has passed. Woot! Now that all the formalities are outta the way, it's time to really get crackin' on lessons and events going on throughout the year. Just this month, we have the freshman initiation for youth group. The kids seem excited, and it makes me excited to see them that way :)

Next month, we have an outdoor Mass, a church bazaar, a career fair, and a choir concert which my kids will be performing in. (*EXCITING*)!! Ahh.. I've been looking forward to this for the latter part of the summer, and now that it's here, I don't know what to do with myself. There is so much work to be done, and I love being constantly busy. It really helps with keeping my mind off of things and whatnot.

On another note, I've been sleeping so well lately. :) har har. My "sleeping drug" has ceased to be drinking every night. That makes me sound like I have horrible issues, but it wasn't that bad. Now that things are heading in a completely different direction, I am falling asleep without the aid of ANYTHING tangible. :)

GoGoSSing

Um... what can I say? I'm excited? I'm happy? I'm... nervous? I don't know. Everything is changing really fast. Or, a lot of things changed all at once and I am realizing them quickly one right after the other. Through a cup of tea, a quiet library and a relaxing dinner, my heart is ready to Go Go SSing! :)

New

Labor Day weekend was great for me. Met some really great new people, got to know some old ones better...all in all, a perfect getaway from the people that I don't want to see or think about right now.

I didn't expect to feel so welcomed, but I was. I didn't expect them to all be good people, but they were. I didn't expect to feel so independently able to connect with them, but I did.

I learned this past weekend that my first impressions (almost always right) might also sometimes turn out to be wrong. I'm thankful for that. I went expecting nothing, and gained everything. :)

Good people, good times, and many more memories to come. I'm looking forward to them all.

Complicated

A good friend recently told me that some things are worth the risk. Even if the chances are slim and you know that the consequences will most likely be bad, the one good outcome is worth all the risk you take to get there. I know this is true, but it is still hard to bring myself to take the necessary steps. I feel ready to burst with the amount of feelings I have...but I would probably burst if I said something and nothing good came from it. :T It took me awhile to be able to feel anything close to any emotion this strong, but now that I do, I almost wish I was back to feeling like a zombie and not wanting anything from anybody. Always the wrong people at the wrong times...This must be life. :)

Back to Work.

Hiatus over. Back to Sunday School and all the goodness church has to offer. :)
Today was the first day I struggled so much in awhile. The way I feel is so complicated that I don't even know how to explain. I can't even express how glad I am that Sunday School is starting in two weeks. This weekend will be a great time for me to reflect and meet some new people so that I don't have to worry about the same people I already know over and over. Then starting next week, I'll be busy enough where I won't have enough time to think about the things stuck in my mind. What a relief. Maybe one more year will be enough time for me to forget. Maybe not, but maybe it's enough time for me to stop feeling the way I feel.

Thirsty Thursday

This is the first Thursday since me and YJ have started having our weekly "awesome night" that he is not here to enjoy unexpected awesomeness with me. This pains me. But all I can think about is getting my ass to the gym and running it out. All the stresses of everyday life, or... my life in particular. And all the pent up frustration that is flowing through my bloodstream. I may change my mind and end up at McKinley's again, with the little sister, playing Bingo all night and drinking my Sapphire and tonics (thanks to a Miss Jungeun Park), but it's dinnertime, and I'm not hungry and all I want to do is run and sweat. I haven't been actually hungry in awhile. Nothing tastes good, and nothing makes me happy after I eat it. It's that time. Time for me to drop some pounds, feel good, look better, and stay healthy :) Let's do this.

Change

Most people seem to think that I easily recover from things. That even if I get hurt, I will quickly forget and move on. In actuality, I am a pretty constant thing. Once my mind or heart is set on something, that's where my thoughts and emotions will go. I want everyone to stop thinking of me in a certain way. I want people to ask me if they want to know what I'm thinking or feeling. Ask me exactly, because I'm not good at reading faces or minds.

I also feel like people are expecting things from me that I have never offered or said I would give. I have said time and time again to very many people that I am not ready to make any commitments. I'm not in the right mind to be ready for anything. I'm broken, and might stay that way for awhile longer. It's not fair for anyone to be on the receiving end of only half of someone's heart. I just want to be fair to everyone, including myself. My heart deserves as much time as it needs to heal, and as much time as it needs to restart.

Though lately, there have been plenty of opportunities for me to take someone's hand and ask for help in recovering from this state, it's really just not fair. To me, to them, to anyone. If I wanted to take the easy way out, I would just reach out and grab one of these hands. I've already taken this route once and it ended up hurting everyone involved. I don't want to be responsible for that again.

So many thoughts running through my mind, and the only way to stop thinking about any of it is to really take my life and start living it. No more holding on, no more waiting, no more hoping. Just take things for what they are, and move on. Try not to be so constant. :)

Adventures

Going to Six Flags today. The weather is beautiful and the sun is shining. I can't wait to see how this day turns out. Will update later with ... news. :)

Desperation

The latest book I read was "Desperation" by Stephen King. For a reason that only God knows, I have been craving stories about people and things that are more messed up than me. To me, this story was about the battle between the forces of good and evil. In other words, God and the devil. Though I am a strong church goer and I do believe that there are things that one must believe without seeing so as to reach the best possible outcome in life, there are times when I feel that the devil's power is greater in me than God's. This is when I take time out to go to a confessional and try to repent for the things that I feel I have done wrong in my life.
Anyway, the story goes that there is a town called Desperation. In this town, people are being slaughtered by an unformed being that was here before all others who has escaped from a mine and is possessing different humans to commit these senseless acts of horror. All in all, it was a good read. Apparently, there was a made for TV movie made from this novel and as much as that intrigues me, I refuse to watch it because my imagination made such a great film out of this book that I don't want that image ruined.
In other news, the weather has been weird lately. Hot, cool, hot, cool, super rainy, cold, back to hot. I don't know what to do with my wardrobe and I don't ever know what shoes to wear. This isn't a big dillema, but focusing on little things like this will keep my mind off of the bigger problems and issues revolving around me right now.
All the choices I am being forced to make as of late are stressful, and none of them have outcomes that I really want. The decisions I want to scream out loud are probably the wrong ones, selfish ones, and ones that will end up hurting numerous people. But I can't stop thinking about still just doing what I want... What to do what to do...

Updates

I had to get away for awhile. Write somewhere that people didn't know about. Though I know this is not the way to go about things, hiding feelings and all, it's the only method I saw at the time. I promise to be more faithful to llovepunch. There is so much that has happened. It's time to let you in. :)

pure gold

I am loving this weather. It is bright and sunny, and it smells like LIFE. I can enjoy softball, beach walks, hikes, camping, so many things that I love and enjoy. I can read scary stories at night to feel a little cooler. I can watch movies late at night alone in the dark.

Softball plans for this Saturday, the Flyers game at night.

Excited. Very excited. :)

Word.

I haven't written in a damn long time. I had nothing to say. Or...maybe too much. I read a lot, write a lot, sing a lot, drink a lot. Haven't been the same as half a year ago, but I'm not complaining. Living the simple, enjoy your life kinda way. Meeting lots of new people, enjoying lots of new things. Playing softball, drinking beers, watching games. I think I'm happy.

The Dark House

Finished The Dark House. What a weird story. Made me feel like I was slightly not in the right mind of a normal human being.

Anyway... I feel like my life was turned entirely upside down in the last few days. The things I thought I knew don't apply and the things I wish were true are not. I'm confused, slightly anxious and nervous all rolled into one body. There is nothing to do but wait and see. There are things I have to say, things I have to give back, things I have to take. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I have the courage to live my life the way it should be lived. There are many people I have hurt and will hurt, there are many people that have hurt me. This is not the place or situation I want to be in, but I am here.

Cell

Just finished reading Cell by Stephen King. I enjoy his writing because it always leaves the mind spinning afterwards, thinking about the details and things that he so eloquently expresses. Yet another horror story about technology and how it can turn the entire human race into mindless entities who go around killing each other and everything else. But it was more than that. It was about our reliance on technology and how, in the face of a true emergency, that technology could actually turn on us and make the situation worse. Interesting read and not a waste of time. Enjoyed myself, and am now moving onto The Dark House. I'll update on that later.

Whiteout

This winter has been quite strange. The constant changing of warm and cold weather is making my head spin. I can't figure out what I want to do with myself, and when I figure it out, the weather I planned for has already passed and it's too late...
I wish the snow would stop. I'm sick of being snowed in and not being able to go out and drive in case of emergencies. I know I should be thankful for everything everyday, but lately, it's been hard to be thankful at all times. I need meat in my bloodstream, and I want some nice cold beer. Is this really too much to ask for? -_-
Now... if only tax season would be over so that I can get away from this dreaded desk and this mundane office.

A New Beginning

It's time for me to start my healing process. Really start it and move on.
I don't need to worry anymore about what is right and wrong because I can feel it without thinking about it. No more wondering if I'm going to hurt tomorrow or if I will end up hurting someone else. I am going to start living again. I will enjoy life and all it has to offer and I will laugh with no reason and smile at strangers. This is what my heart tells me to do, and God is willing it so.

I'm beginning a new chapter of my life. With or without you, I am going to move on. You will always know where to find me, but I will not stay stationary any longer. See you on the other end :)

Anticipation

My previous frustrations have passed. Luckily, things all turned out okay :)

I am learning every single day that communication is key. Talking things through really helps the situation unbelievably, and it isn't as scary or intimidating as it first seems in my head. I still probably will not try to talk about everything I want, especially with people who aren't worth the anxiety and stress this causes me, but for some people, I am finding many reasons to push my fears aside and talk talk talk things through.

On another note, Sunday School has started again. Despite the horrid weather conditions, most of my students braved the roads and showed up. :) It was a relief to see them all safe and healthy. Choir practice was stressful, but it was all worth it because those kids are my heart and soul. Without them, I would never have been able to learn the things I have about myself. I love them to death.

Anyway, I have to go back out on the roads to go to work. :( Hopefully the snow will not ruin the week and everyone will be safe even with the ice on the roads. Happy Monday!

Irritation

This is the only outlet I feel comfortable with when I am frustrated like this.

I feel underappreciated. I feel ... like I am being taken advantage of. I feel stupid.

I need to get away from things for awhile to take a look at things and if they are really supposed to be going this way.

I want to sit down with some sisters, some Patron and some pretzels. :) I need this. I seriously need to just... be left alone at all costs for a little bit. I am ready to explode.

I am so annoyed..

Blackouts

I haven't experienced too many instances where I lose my memory from drinking. Every time it has happened, I was in a good mood even while intoxicated, and really just energetic, crazy, drunk, and once I got home and went to sleep, everything was fine. My most recent incident was nothing like that...
I went to a sorority sister's birthday dinner in Old City (Maru). The food was good, company was great, and my friend accompanied me. My date couldn't make it last minute, so I asked my friend to come with me because we usually have fun hanging out together. After several glasses of wine, conversation was flowing well and we were all having a good time. Then dinner was over and everyone was heading home, which is what I should've done too, but under the influence of alcohol, I am very easily persuaded to do anything BESIDES going home. My friend said he knew someone working at a bar in the city and the two of us moved our party over there. I don't know exactly how many rum and cokes I had there, all I know is that at one point in the night, I got up and found that I was a lot drunker than I had anticipated. I don't remember the ride back to his house, which is strange in itself because my house is definitely closer to the city and I should've just gone straight home. I also don't know what I did at his house besides sit on his bathroom floor... but I couldn't possibly have done that for more than an hour, could I? Who knows...
All I know is that I was crying a lot, and the only reason I can come up with in my head is that I got upset about the date. January 14th. The date that seemed one of the most important in my life for a few years. I know that I was driven home by the boy who SHOULD'VE been my date which I felt horrible about because I didn't want him to see me drunk, and I didn't want him to see me cry. I also didn't want him to have to stay awake all night to make sure that I was going to get home safe...
Through this experience though, I learned a lot about two people in my life. One, whom I now know I can really depend on and trust to make sure I'm ok, and the other, whom I now feel ... slightly scared of. More than slightly, I think I feel disrespected and maybe ... trust a little less now. I don't know what kind of friend a "good friend" is, but I grew up learning that good friends do not shit on the company you keep, especially when the company is not bad, and I also learned that good friends are supposed to make sure you aren't going out of your mind from doing stupid things. I don't know. I was stressed out for a long time because of certain people, and now, I have no reason to be. I know who I am ok with, and I know who is ok with me, just the way I am, not the way they want to mold me to be. I'm through with trying to make everyone happy. I've been told over and over again to make myself happy, and I am going to. I have already started.
This weekend was a big realization of true friends and true d-bags. I don't appreciate my friends being threatened, but I also do not appreciate my friends being downcast. I have good friends, true friends, and friends I will stick up for no matter what. My friends have proved to me that I matter, and I will not stand for those people being belittled. :) I am getting stronger every single day.

Turnpike Thoughts

I accompanied Nick yesterday to Huntingdon, way out near Raystown Lake, to get his furniture from his house since he is moving out. Getting his own place with a couple friends and moving on with things. :) I've only been out that way with him twice, but each time, as soon as the mountains came into view, my lungs started working properly. It felt SO good to be out there and see the beauty of nature instead of all the lights and buildings around here. We drove back separately, since he had to rent a U-Haul to fit all his belongings. On the drive back, I turned the radio off to give myself a chance to think since I haven't had any time to myself whatsoever. Thought about Sunday School, the youth group choir, my plans for the month, my plans for work and school, my plans for continuing or ending relationships. I've made some important realizations. Number one: No matter how much you like someone (friend or otherwise), if that person is pushy and will not give you time to think or get yourself together, it is not worth stressing over. Number two: The people who really care about you will continuously make sure you're happy, know that you're upset without you having to tell them, and worry that they aren't doing enough to help you through. I have a clear picture now, of who I can trust and who I cannot. I have a very definite plan on how things will be handled in the future, and I have a really good idea of who I care about and who I am going to let go. Certain people matter a lot to me, and those people are ones I am not willing to lose. Even if other sacrifices have to be made. The people I enjoy spending time with are very different than my friends from the past, and it does not bother me at all. The people I've met recently are kind, beautiful, and honest people. These people are those you meet and think, "God must really love me." Anyway, driving for four hours on the turnpike in dead silence was great. I've never felt so good about being alone in a car before (especially one that isn't mine), but everything was good, things started clicking and I am on my way to letting things happen that have been waiting to happen. I am on my way to letting people go who are holding me back, and I am ready to open up a little bit to those wanting to be let in. :) Looks like I'm finally catching up with the new year!

Lightening Burdens

The holiday season passed by without me even realizing that another Christmas season was gone, or another year had passed. This year was hard because all my traditional holiday plans were... null and void. Everything I grew used to was rocked and instead, I tiptoed into other people's celebrations and festivities. It's not that I didn't feel welcome, I most certainly did. I just... didn't know how to be myself in places where I had never taken myself before. I'm used to smiling and being the bright cheery person who everyone notes as "never being sad." I'm human too, though. I can't always be happy, and I definitely cannot always bring others' moods up just by being around. This year, I let myself be whatever I felt like, a little bit. Seastar and I started the night having dinner with a family that is just as wonderful as our own. They were talkative, and happy, and just... good to be around. The love in that atmosphere was pure and good and whole. I've never seen such supportive people and feel really lucky that I got to be there. Then, we hiked on over to Morrisville and spent New Year's Eve with a friend of ours who was at a house party. Definition of awkward. Not only were we the only ones dressed in black tie event attire (the plans having been changed only minutes before we arrived to house all types of clothing, pjs included), but we were the only minorities there in a crowd of SO many people. I'm used to being a minority, but not in a place where everyone knows each other and I'm the one stuck with trying to remember 30 names all at once. It's not possible. Nevertheless, I found myself smiling and conversating with different people, and eventually felt ok, being in an unfamiliar place. We left early to go back to Seastar's apartment, and only then, did I really feel like myself again. I could go back to being sulky, being sad, and letting memories take over. We didn't get much sleep that night, but I did get a lot of thinking done, so I guess there was some productivity in all the madness.

I realize that 2010 is going to be really different. I realize that my life from once upon a time is over. I realize that I have to start moving on, and forgetting or at least forgiving whatever happened in the past...It just seems easier said than done. My friends are wonderful, my work is taking off, and my life seems ok. I just don't understand why I feel like... nothing is right. Maybe it's just because I'm still not used to things and how they are now versus a few months ago, or maybe it's just because I'm not willing to let go...But whatever it is, it is pulling me backwards to a place I don't belong anymore. If that's the case, then where exactly DO I belong?

On another note, Sunday School is only weeks away, and I have yet to plan things that have to be planned and prepared. There are so many things to do, if I would just stop being sulky and do them. Hopefully, 2010 will bring everyone lots of health and joy, and if I'm lucky, I'll get there too.