Revelation

As this year comes to a close, I find myself teetering on the edge of holding on and letting go. Should I let the year be a memory and move on without looking back, or should I hold on a little while longer so that I may feel connected if only for a short moment? I am a horrible decision maker. I always want to please others, and I let other people make my choices so that I won't be to blame for letting anyone down. A perfect example of this would be my plans for New Year's Eve. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to be out or in, whether I wanted to party or relax, whether I wanted to see new people or old. In summary, many choices were offered to me, and I didn't make a single one myself. I said maybe to everyone and then changed it to I'm not sure, and then ended up being stuck with three different NYE plans all mixed into one.
Obviously, there are certain people I would rather ring in the New Year with, more than others. Some of the people I want to be with most aren't even an option... I will miss my traditions this year, but am not afraid to make new ones, if only because I am jumping in with someone I trust with my life. If it weren't for my seastar, I would be staying home with my parents, probably watching a rented movie and drinking wine while crying inside about loves lost or never found. Luckily for me, I had other people to sulk with this year and then even more people who were willing to take the sulkers in and show them a good time.
I am excited. I get to see a lot of great people for the New Year. People I want to spend all of 2010 with. I will look back once or twice, wishing 2009 was still here and that all my happiness was still with me, but I will let most of it go. And I will move forward. On with my life, and what I want from it. Happy New Year everyone! Hope you get all your New Year's kisses and hugs from all the right people this year :)

Breathe

It's the holiday season, but I can't think about anything except the fact that life seems gloomy lately. Everything I do, it seems like I'm doing halfheartedly and without really paying attention. People pull me in a direction, I follow. People tell me what to do, I do it. I feel like I have lost my will, and myself. There are times when I don't know how I got where I am, and there are times that tears will come and I won't notice until someone points out that I am crying again. Again, again, again. It's one of those vicious things to hurt so bad inside that you don't know where all the emotions are coming from and you can't seem to stop your bad trains of thoughts.
I know that I will be okay. I know that eventually, things will get better. But I have learned recently to live your life in the here and now, and for me, here and now is one of those times and places that I just really want to get away from. It's not even that the people around me aren't enough. They are more than enough, and they are constantly pulling me up off the floor and trying to make me see that the world is not over. I am thankful, I will be eternally. It's just that, right now, everything feels dulled and fake.
I am sorry that it seems nothing is enough. It's not that. It's because when you live for too long feeling like you're inadequate, the reinforcement of that fact is much more apparent than if it weren't so hardly forced on you.
I just need to focus on breathing first. Inhale, then exhale, then inhale. Just get that rhythm down straight and I will be okay. After focusing on the breathing part, other steps will come naturally. I think. If you feel you're talking to me, and I'm not listening, it's only because I'm focusing on keeping the emotions safely out of view, so as not to scare you, because really, I'm okay. I will be. I just have to keep myself thinking about the basics.
No matter what anyone says to me, I have to handle this my own way. I have to be able to keep my routines, and I have to surround myself with people who will be happy and bring me happiness. I am looking forward to the time when I will be able to breathe without thinking again. I want to be able to smile without feeling like I'm forcing my face into an unnatural expression. I want to be able to feel like I am normal and human and I can stand in front of others confident and strong. I am going to do this. I CAN. Until then, please bear with me. I know I'm being horrible and miserable most of the time, but it's not directed at anyone but myself. I promise you, I will not let this get the best of me. The best of me is yet to come :)

Here, Now

In the past few months, my life has been twisted, turned, ripped apart, and put back together again. In the whole scheme of things, my trials and tribulations are miniscule, but to me, recent times have provided possibly the greatest struggles I have yet had to endure in my short life. Not only did my four year relationship with the boy I thought I would marry end, but I realized that the face people show you when in love can be so different than the face they show others. I now understand why there were so many complaints about us dating, why there were so many people telling me I was making a bad decision, that I was going to dull my personality... I loved him, yes, but at the same time, I was using all of myself to love him and forgot, in the process, to save any of that love for myself. I beat myself into the ground, lost any self confidence I had and ended up this girl who doesn't ever think she's good enough for anything. He broke my heart and left me completely lost in a world I hadn't really looked around in for the past four years.

But here I am, still alive, still smiling, and still enjoying things that this every day life brings. Here I am making new friends, loving new people, and considering that life might not be so bad after all. I met great new people through a crappy new job (work is a whole different story). Without some of those people, I'm sure I would not have been as okay as I am now. One of my now closest friends is someone I met only months ago, and this person accepts me completely, more than the boy I dated for four years. Even though I may be broken, even though I may be scared to open myself up, and even though I am not the best the world can offer, there are still people willing to love me for me. This is a new feeling...

I've seen things I have only ever heard about on tv shows or read in books. I've experienced things I never thought I would see in my lifetime. I've met people who broke all the molds when they came into creation, and people who have reinforced some. I am finally beginning to see that life is really supposed to be fun and exciting. Things aren't supposed to be so dull that you wonder when it's all going to end. Things may change again for me, but for now, I am only thinking about the present, the here and now, so that when I get to the future, I'll remember things to help me deal.

I won't sell myself short. I will make sure I am happy. And I will know my limits... even if only to break them (: