Breathe

It's the holiday season, but I can't think about anything except the fact that life seems gloomy lately. Everything I do, it seems like I'm doing halfheartedly and without really paying attention. People pull me in a direction, I follow. People tell me what to do, I do it. I feel like I have lost my will, and myself. There are times when I don't know how I got where I am, and there are times that tears will come and I won't notice until someone points out that I am crying again. Again, again, again. It's one of those vicious things to hurt so bad inside that you don't know where all the emotions are coming from and you can't seem to stop your bad trains of thoughts.
I know that I will be okay. I know that eventually, things will get better. But I have learned recently to live your life in the here and now, and for me, here and now is one of those times and places that I just really want to get away from. It's not even that the people around me aren't enough. They are more than enough, and they are constantly pulling me up off the floor and trying to make me see that the world is not over. I am thankful, I will be eternally. It's just that, right now, everything feels dulled and fake.
I am sorry that it seems nothing is enough. It's not that. It's because when you live for too long feeling like you're inadequate, the reinforcement of that fact is much more apparent than if it weren't so hardly forced on you.
I just need to focus on breathing first. Inhale, then exhale, then inhale. Just get that rhythm down straight and I will be okay. After focusing on the breathing part, other steps will come naturally. I think. If you feel you're talking to me, and I'm not listening, it's only because I'm focusing on keeping the emotions safely out of view, so as not to scare you, because really, I'm okay. I will be. I just have to keep myself thinking about the basics.
No matter what anyone says to me, I have to handle this my own way. I have to be able to keep my routines, and I have to surround myself with people who will be happy and bring me happiness. I am looking forward to the time when I will be able to breathe without thinking again. I want to be able to smile without feeling like I'm forcing my face into an unnatural expression. I want to be able to feel like I am normal and human and I can stand in front of others confident and strong. I am going to do this. I CAN. Until then, please bear with me. I know I'm being horrible and miserable most of the time, but it's not directed at anyone but myself. I promise you, I will not let this get the best of me. The best of me is yet to come :)