Blackouts

I haven't experienced too many instances where I lose my memory from drinking. Every time it has happened, I was in a good mood even while intoxicated, and really just energetic, crazy, drunk, and once I got home and went to sleep, everything was fine. My most recent incident was nothing like that...
I went to a sorority sister's birthday dinner in Old City (Maru). The food was good, company was great, and my friend accompanied me. My date couldn't make it last minute, so I asked my friend to come with me because we usually have fun hanging out together. After several glasses of wine, conversation was flowing well and we were all having a good time. Then dinner was over and everyone was heading home, which is what I should've done too, but under the influence of alcohol, I am very easily persuaded to do anything BESIDES going home. My friend said he knew someone working at a bar in the city and the two of us moved our party over there. I don't know exactly how many rum and cokes I had there, all I know is that at one point in the night, I got up and found that I was a lot drunker than I had anticipated. I don't remember the ride back to his house, which is strange in itself because my house is definitely closer to the city and I should've just gone straight home. I also don't know what I did at his house besides sit on his bathroom floor... but I couldn't possibly have done that for more than an hour, could I? Who knows...
All I know is that I was crying a lot, and the only reason I can come up with in my head is that I got upset about the date. January 14th. The date that seemed one of the most important in my life for a few years. I know that I was driven home by the boy who SHOULD'VE been my date which I felt horrible about because I didn't want him to see me drunk, and I didn't want him to see me cry. I also didn't want him to have to stay awake all night to make sure that I was going to get home safe...
Through this experience though, I learned a lot about two people in my life. One, whom I now know I can really depend on and trust to make sure I'm ok, and the other, whom I now feel ... slightly scared of. More than slightly, I think I feel disrespected and maybe ... trust a little less now. I don't know what kind of friend a "good friend" is, but I grew up learning that good friends do not shit on the company you keep, especially when the company is not bad, and I also learned that good friends are supposed to make sure you aren't going out of your mind from doing stupid things. I don't know. I was stressed out for a long time because of certain people, and now, I have no reason to be. I know who I am ok with, and I know who is ok with me, just the way I am, not the way they want to mold me to be. I'm through with trying to make everyone happy. I've been told over and over again to make myself happy, and I am going to. I have already started.
This weekend was a big realization of true friends and true d-bags. I don't appreciate my friends being threatened, but I also do not appreciate my friends being downcast. I have good friends, true friends, and friends I will stick up for no matter what. My friends have proved to me that I matter, and I will not stand for those people being belittled. :) I am getting stronger every single day.

Turnpike Thoughts

I accompanied Nick yesterday to Huntingdon, way out near Raystown Lake, to get his furniture from his house since he is moving out. Getting his own place with a couple friends and moving on with things. :) I've only been out that way with him twice, but each time, as soon as the mountains came into view, my lungs started working properly. It felt SO good to be out there and see the beauty of nature instead of all the lights and buildings around here. We drove back separately, since he had to rent a U-Haul to fit all his belongings. On the drive back, I turned the radio off to give myself a chance to think since I haven't had any time to myself whatsoever. Thought about Sunday School, the youth group choir, my plans for the month, my plans for work and school, my plans for continuing or ending relationships. I've made some important realizations. Number one: No matter how much you like someone (friend or otherwise), if that person is pushy and will not give you time to think or get yourself together, it is not worth stressing over. Number two: The people who really care about you will continuously make sure you're happy, know that you're upset without you having to tell them, and worry that they aren't doing enough to help you through. I have a clear picture now, of who I can trust and who I cannot. I have a very definite plan on how things will be handled in the future, and I have a really good idea of who I care about and who I am going to let go. Certain people matter a lot to me, and those people are ones I am not willing to lose. Even if other sacrifices have to be made. The people I enjoy spending time with are very different than my friends from the past, and it does not bother me at all. The people I've met recently are kind, beautiful, and honest people. These people are those you meet and think, "God must really love me." Anyway, driving for four hours on the turnpike in dead silence was great. I've never felt so good about being alone in a car before (especially one that isn't mine), but everything was good, things started clicking and I am on my way to letting things happen that have been waiting to happen. I am on my way to letting people go who are holding me back, and I am ready to open up a little bit to those wanting to be let in. :) Looks like I'm finally catching up with the new year!

Lightening Burdens

The holiday season passed by without me even realizing that another Christmas season was gone, or another year had passed. This year was hard because all my traditional holiday plans were... null and void. Everything I grew used to was rocked and instead, I tiptoed into other people's celebrations and festivities. It's not that I didn't feel welcome, I most certainly did. I just... didn't know how to be myself in places where I had never taken myself before. I'm used to smiling and being the bright cheery person who everyone notes as "never being sad." I'm human too, though. I can't always be happy, and I definitely cannot always bring others' moods up just by being around. This year, I let myself be whatever I felt like, a little bit. Seastar and I started the night having dinner with a family that is just as wonderful as our own. They were talkative, and happy, and just... good to be around. The love in that atmosphere was pure and good and whole. I've never seen such supportive people and feel really lucky that I got to be there. Then, we hiked on over to Morrisville and spent New Year's Eve with a friend of ours who was at a house party. Definition of awkward. Not only were we the only ones dressed in black tie event attire (the plans having been changed only minutes before we arrived to house all types of clothing, pjs included), but we were the only minorities there in a crowd of SO many people. I'm used to being a minority, but not in a place where everyone knows each other and I'm the one stuck with trying to remember 30 names all at once. It's not possible. Nevertheless, I found myself smiling and conversating with different people, and eventually felt ok, being in an unfamiliar place. We left early to go back to Seastar's apartment, and only then, did I really feel like myself again. I could go back to being sulky, being sad, and letting memories take over. We didn't get much sleep that night, but I did get a lot of thinking done, so I guess there was some productivity in all the madness.

I realize that 2010 is going to be really different. I realize that my life from once upon a time is over. I realize that I have to start moving on, and forgetting or at least forgiving whatever happened in the past...It just seems easier said than done. My friends are wonderful, my work is taking off, and my life seems ok. I just don't understand why I feel like... nothing is right. Maybe it's just because I'm still not used to things and how they are now versus a few months ago, or maybe it's just because I'm not willing to let go...But whatever it is, it is pulling me backwards to a place I don't belong anymore. If that's the case, then where exactly DO I belong?

On another note, Sunday School is only weeks away, and I have yet to plan things that have to be planned and prepared. There are so many things to do, if I would just stop being sulky and do them. Hopefully, 2010 will bring everyone lots of health and joy, and if I'm lucky, I'll get there too.