Back to Work.

Hiatus over. Back to Sunday School and all the goodness church has to offer. :)
Today was the first day I struggled so much in awhile. The way I feel is so complicated that I don't even know how to explain. I can't even express how glad I am that Sunday School is starting in two weeks. This weekend will be a great time for me to reflect and meet some new people so that I don't have to worry about the same people I already know over and over. Then starting next week, I'll be busy enough where I won't have enough time to think about the things stuck in my mind. What a relief. Maybe one more year will be enough time for me to forget. Maybe not, but maybe it's enough time for me to stop feeling the way I feel.

Thirsty Thursday

This is the first Thursday since me and YJ have started having our weekly "awesome night" that he is not here to enjoy unexpected awesomeness with me. This pains me. But all I can think about is getting my ass to the gym and running it out. All the stresses of everyday life, or... my life in particular. And all the pent up frustration that is flowing through my bloodstream. I may change my mind and end up at McKinley's again, with the little sister, playing Bingo all night and drinking my Sapphire and tonics (thanks to a Miss Jungeun Park), but it's dinnertime, and I'm not hungry and all I want to do is run and sweat. I haven't been actually hungry in awhile. Nothing tastes good, and nothing makes me happy after I eat it. It's that time. Time for me to drop some pounds, feel good, look better, and stay healthy :) Let's do this.

Change

Most people seem to think that I easily recover from things. That even if I get hurt, I will quickly forget and move on. In actuality, I am a pretty constant thing. Once my mind or heart is set on something, that's where my thoughts and emotions will go. I want everyone to stop thinking of me in a certain way. I want people to ask me if they want to know what I'm thinking or feeling. Ask me exactly, because I'm not good at reading faces or minds.

I also feel like people are expecting things from me that I have never offered or said I would give. I have said time and time again to very many people that I am not ready to make any commitments. I'm not in the right mind to be ready for anything. I'm broken, and might stay that way for awhile longer. It's not fair for anyone to be on the receiving end of only half of someone's heart. I just want to be fair to everyone, including myself. My heart deserves as much time as it needs to heal, and as much time as it needs to restart.

Though lately, there have been plenty of opportunities for me to take someone's hand and ask for help in recovering from this state, it's really just not fair. To me, to them, to anyone. If I wanted to take the easy way out, I would just reach out and grab one of these hands. I've already taken this route once and it ended up hurting everyone involved. I don't want to be responsible for that again.

So many thoughts running through my mind, and the only way to stop thinking about any of it is to really take my life and start living it. No more holding on, no more waiting, no more hoping. Just take things for what they are, and move on. Try not to be so constant. :)

Adventures

Going to Six Flags today. The weather is beautiful and the sun is shining. I can't wait to see how this day turns out. Will update later with ... news. :)