Change

Most people seem to think that I easily recover from things. That even if I get hurt, I will quickly forget and move on. In actuality, I am a pretty constant thing. Once my mind or heart is set on something, that's where my thoughts and emotions will go. I want everyone to stop thinking of me in a certain way. I want people to ask me if they want to know what I'm thinking or feeling. Ask me exactly, because I'm not good at reading faces or minds.

I also feel like people are expecting things from me that I have never offered or said I would give. I have said time and time again to very many people that I am not ready to make any commitments. I'm not in the right mind to be ready for anything. I'm broken, and might stay that way for awhile longer. It's not fair for anyone to be on the receiving end of only half of someone's heart. I just want to be fair to everyone, including myself. My heart deserves as much time as it needs to heal, and as much time as it needs to restart.

Though lately, there have been plenty of opportunities for me to take someone's hand and ask for help in recovering from this state, it's really just not fair. To me, to them, to anyone. If I wanted to take the easy way out, I would just reach out and grab one of these hands. I've already taken this route once and it ended up hurting everyone involved. I don't want to be responsible for that again.

So many thoughts running through my mind, and the only way to stop thinking about any of it is to really take my life and start living it. No more holding on, no more waiting, no more hoping. Just take things for what they are, and move on. Try not to be so constant. :)