Have you ever driven down a long straight road when there are absolutely no other cars around, and all you can see in the straight path ahead of you, are the beautiful trees with their leaves all red and yellow and orange? It seriously makes my heart beat faster seeing things like this. I walked, alone, for a long time. Watching the season change right before my eyes.
There isn't much time until winter comes around. I can't wait to see the first snow, I can't wait to see everything covered in white, and I can't wait for the first green sprouts to renew the world again. That means time is passing, and that means that I will be healing. More completely, more carefully. Time is supposed to heal things right?
I am not a big caffeine drinker. It makes me jittery, and it makes my brain run too fast, and it makes me feel like I am not controlling myself. But lately, I cannot start my day without a cup of coffee.
I have random thoughts shooting out from all corners of my mind at the moment. There are so many things I want to do and say, but the timing is not right for any of those things.
I feel better than last week. I don't need to be shot in the face. I don't need to sit alone in a corner anymore. One of my new found friends told me recently that in the short time he has gotten to know me, he can tell that I am someone who needs a lot of love. That I am lonely all the time, regardless of the people around me, and regardless of how close I am with them. I find this hard to believe... I feel like I am a lot more independent than I used to be, and I feel like I need a lot more space from people than I used to need. Who knows...
Confused.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Witch
Halloween is over! Hurray!! No more costumes, no more scary people in masks walking around. I even attended a Halloween party this year without crying! :) I went as a semi-slutty wizard, aka faux Harry Potter.
It's over, but I feel like a witch. My feelings are all over the place, my moods are going up and down like a roller coaster, I don't know what to make of my emotional and mental status right now. I like something one second and the next second, can't stand to be around it. I feel completely whole and then turn around and feel completely broken.. maybe it's the weather? Maybe it's just because I am so damaged inside that I don't know how to normally function anymore.. Maybe it's just because, like people have told me, I feel like I need to make people feel the way I feel so that I know I'm not alone in the world. Who knows? I can't explain why I am the way I am right now, and I wish people would stop asking me what's wrong. I really don't know what to tell you.
My closest friends understand that I can't really come up with any real ideas or reasons for the way I act or feel. I appreciate that they give me time to sort out my thoughts and to figure out what it is I really want/need. I wish all things in life were as easy as just being near your friends.
Maybe I took on too much this year. What with teaching youth group, being in charge of the youth group band and choir groups, working full-time, and now dating someone, I feel like my brain is all messed up and I have so much to do ALL THE TIME without ever knowing where to start. So... I'm distancing myself, it's true. If I step away from the things going on in my life, I'll have a better perspective of what my priorities should be, and how I should go about handling the mental semi-crisis I am in. I haven't had any time to READ... and that's not okay. I haven't had time to just sit down and be ALONE... that's not okay either. I want to be able to just sit in my room, alone, with some soothing music and not talk or listen to anyone for a couple weeks. Maybe more. Who knows? I also started working out again, which is the ONLY thing right now that takes my mind completely off of the things waiting for me to complete and whatnot. Ugh. These are the times when I wish someone would just please SHOOT ME IN THE FACE. Let me be me. Don't ask questions, don't tell me I'm wrong. Just let me be the way I am, and I would be very thankful :)
It's over, but I feel like a witch. My feelings are all over the place, my moods are going up and down like a roller coaster, I don't know what to make of my emotional and mental status right now. I like something one second and the next second, can't stand to be around it. I feel completely whole and then turn around and feel completely broken.. maybe it's the weather? Maybe it's just because I am so damaged inside that I don't know how to normally function anymore.. Maybe it's just because, like people have told me, I feel like I need to make people feel the way I feel so that I know I'm not alone in the world. Who knows? I can't explain why I am the way I am right now, and I wish people would stop asking me what's wrong. I really don't know what to tell you.
My closest friends understand that I can't really come up with any real ideas or reasons for the way I act or feel. I appreciate that they give me time to sort out my thoughts and to figure out what it is I really want/need. I wish all things in life were as easy as just being near your friends.
Maybe I took on too much this year. What with teaching youth group, being in charge of the youth group band and choir groups, working full-time, and now dating someone, I feel like my brain is all messed up and I have so much to do ALL THE TIME without ever knowing where to start. So... I'm distancing myself, it's true. If I step away from the things going on in my life, I'll have a better perspective of what my priorities should be, and how I should go about handling the mental semi-crisis I am in. I haven't had any time to READ... and that's not okay. I haven't had time to just sit down and be ALONE... that's not okay either. I want to be able to just sit in my room, alone, with some soothing music and not talk or listen to anyone for a couple weeks. Maybe more. Who knows? I also started working out again, which is the ONLY thing right now that takes my mind completely off of the things waiting for me to complete and whatnot. Ugh. These are the times when I wish someone would just please SHOOT ME IN THE FACE. Let me be me. Don't ask questions, don't tell me I'm wrong. Just let me be the way I am, and I would be very thankful :)
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