The holiday season passed by without me even realizing that another Christmas season was gone, or another year had passed. This year was hard because all my traditional holiday plans were... null and void. Everything I grew used to was rocked and instead, I tiptoed into other people's celebrations and festivities. It's not that I didn't feel welcome, I most certainly did. I just... didn't know how to be myself in places where I had never taken myself before. I'm used to smiling and being the bright cheery person who everyone notes as "never being sad." I'm human too, though. I can't always be happy, and I definitely cannot always bring others' moods up just by being around. This year, I let myself be whatever I felt like, a little bit. Seastar and I started the night having dinner with a family that is just as wonderful as our own. They were talkative, and happy, and just... good to be around. The love in that atmosphere was pure and good and whole. I've never seen such supportive people and feel really lucky that I got to be there. Then, we hiked on over to Morrisville and spent New Year's Eve with a friend of ours who was at a house party. Definition of awkward. Not only were we the only ones dressed in black tie event attire (the plans having been changed only minutes before we arrived to house all types of clothing, pjs included), but we were the only minorities there in a crowd of SO many people. I'm used to being a minority, but not in a place where everyone knows each other and I'm the one stuck with trying to remember 30 names all at once. It's not possible. Nevertheless, I found myself smiling and conversating with different people, and eventually felt ok, being in an unfamiliar place. We left early to go back to Seastar's apartment, and only then, did I really feel like myself again. I could go back to being sulky, being sad, and letting memories take over. We didn't get much sleep that night, but I did get a lot of thinking done, so I guess there was some productivity in all the madness.
I realize that 2010 is going to be really different. I realize that my life from once upon a time is over. I realize that I have to start moving on, and forgetting or at least forgiving whatever happened in the past...It just seems easier said than done. My friends are wonderful, my work is taking off, and my life seems ok. I just don't understand why I feel like... nothing is right. Maybe it's just because I'm still not used to things and how they are now versus a few months ago, or maybe it's just because I'm not willing to let go...But whatever it is, it is pulling me backwards to a place I don't belong anymore. If that's the case, then where exactly DO I belong?
On another note, Sunday School is only weeks away, and I have yet to plan things that have to be planned and prepared. There are so many things to do, if I would just stop being sulky and do them. Hopefully, 2010 will bring everyone lots of health and joy, and if I'm lucky, I'll get there too.
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